Keep good but aim for better.

How did you feel when you forgone something very important for the sake of people you love; like dreams, principles, and even yourself, your pride that makes you who you are or anything you value most yet everything you have done seemed futile and wasted? You gained nothing, just only pain and bad gossip. If you knew how it feels like, perhaps you could understand me. I could really tell you that I was one of those tons of people called, ‘loser’ who striving to win even just once. I wrote this for you to realize that you were not the only one who experienced pains from something you do for sacrifice. I hope it would do something for your life. Something could benefit for, something would inspire you and change your life. This is my story though it never ends here.

The adventure of the Alchemist

The adventure of the Alchemist

One week staying with strangers, one week staying with Chinese priest, three months without source of income, three months living like a beggar, three months living with Italian priest, three months without money and can’t provide anything necessary for myself. I am miles away from my family. Even I wanted I couldn’t back home, simply because I could not. In other words, I am alone and nobody to run to, except one person. The person I’m talking to, was lately became my lover and betrayer. I was such a pathetic broken-heart man.

I tell you, it is awkward to live without anything and can’t do anything but ask assistance from friends. I have to be humbled in every situations because ‘one false move and one reckless decision’, I can be something else, perhaps you can’t really imagine. I hope you could figure it out. Any ways, thanks to my dear friends who helped me to survive and who also broke my heart thousand times. Can you imagine how I survived until I get a job?

 This is my story though it never ends here.

Taken in TarantoAfter I left the congregation, a lot of things happened and changed. I got a lot of experiences both bad and good things. It was almost I gave up and in some instances my faith was tested by circumstances I couldn’t avoid. My only stand was to remain as I thought God wants me to be. I stayed with some Filipinos in Rome for one week. Living with them was not easy since I had nothing to pay for my food, water, electricity and shelter. Good thing they were damn so nice to me. It was really difficult for me to start a new life and I knew it from the very start. It was my downfall. I tried to find a job by myself alone. How fortunate I was, I never found one. I just grabbed the opportunity that I was in the one of the most popular place in the world, Rome. I went to different tourist destinations, Fontana Trevi, Museum of Unknown Heroes, Coliseum, Noah‘s Arch, and specially in St. Peter’s square. It seemed, I was liked a tourist.

One week later, I spent already half of my pocket-money, I had no choice but to come to a friend of mine. I decided to go to Pescina, Region di Aquila, not more than 4 hours to travel from Rome. As I remembered during that time I had only 150 Euros. As time goes by, I spent all my money and yet no job. Within not more than three months of staying in Pescina, such things happened and it was a very long story to tell. I fell in love with one of my friend and she to me but unlike ordinary love stories there was no happy ending. Our stories only begun with unforgettable memories that ended with damn painful and bitter feelings to each other. In the end, we both thought we used each other and took for granted and I knew it was not really good but most important we did learn from each other’s mistakes.

I met friends of friends both religious and non religious. They recommend me to come into another congregation but I just couldn’t, not because I don’t like. It was my dream actually. If I would follow my will and happiness, I would grab the opportunity but it seemed the whole world onto my shoulder. It was too heavy to carry. It was draining me and made me weary. And I couldn’t find happiness any more. It became too complicated. I just thought the most important in my life, I keep with Him. Whenever I fall, I should not forget to stand and back to basic.

From now on, I don’t care with what people would say to me. It can’t help dealing with such destructive people in my life. Possibly, they can only spread out the gossips about things they couldn’t understand even they try to understand. It’s only a destruction which will not help me to build a healthy life. I have always a choice or option but I think it’s better to appear like selfish or self-centered to the people than to be a real one. I may look likes what they think about me but I just thought what I think better for all. The only question is that, do I think really better or is that really better? If it is not, I am in trouble so I ask the help of the most Powerful source of everything. I think that’s how our life suppose to be, thinking and doing better things and if we are not sure what to do, we ask for enlightenment.

Just keep being good and never give up to aim better.

The pictures below are the places I had been when I don’t have a job.

Rome

Basilica of St. Peter

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Sit of Peter

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Around Rome

Fontana di Trevi

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Museum of Unknown Heros

Colosium

Colosium

Pescina, Aquila

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Ortona dei Marsi

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Sulmona

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The places I visited when I got a job.

Bari

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My beautiful picture

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Alberobello

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Castellana Grotte

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Taranto

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The adventure of the Alchemist

The adventure of the Alchemist

Birthday Nightmare!

I really don’t know where I was but I was certain, we were in the weirdest place. It was similar we’re watching a centuries best movie. Everything colored with black and white. Perhaps, time machine sent us back from the past. It was old and unusual place. There was no sign of happiness. There was only pain. It was pain. I could not help but traced the loneliness in everyone’s hearts which almost made me drawn. It was total silence in the middle of nowhere.

Suddenly, an unusual sounds broke the silence. The gentle wind became colder than usual and became disturbance. Crows disturbed and scattered in everywhere. They seemed frighten in something else we could not see. I grabbed the flash light from my packet and pointed in everywhere. I was looking for uncertain things. Sign! There was nothing but only crows making his own sounds. Seemed those crows gave us some caution about unseen creäture.

Abruptly, I started to feel cold and it was very cold. I felt all my body hair was standing. I ignored that weird feelings and continued walking even I don’t know where I was going. I was not sure of what was going on. I just walked and walked and in some instance, I run. I just noticed the smell of my surrounding changed. It was something liked the dead came out from their tomb. I knew there was something wrong but I was not sure about it.

‘Woooh! What the heck is that?’ I said. I accidentally detected a flying creäture then. I neared my eyes as if my eye-ball were going out. I was certain then, it was not ordinary creäture that flies. I didn’t expect but we had an eye to eye contact that made my body trembled. I couldn’t move. Instantly, my body hair stood and my knees shivered. My heart beat faster than normal as if I had run hundred miles back and forth. I couldn’t move my lips to say something and I couldn’t even heard anything. In the back of my head, I was screaming and shouting more than thousand times just to caught the attention of my company. I was 100% sure, I screamed. “Oh my God! I’m dead. I’m dead. We are dead!” But no one was there to listen. My companions couldn’t hear me. The color of my skin became fainted as if my blood was drained. It appeared I was hypnotized. I couldn’t move from my position. My body was covered with heat and light. Every time I say a word, I heard something I couldn’t describe. It seemed a rare sound of bell. I cry out loud. My tears turned into blood. I asked somebody, ‘Is anyone out there can help me! Please I plead to you.! I don’t wish my life end here but I was hopeless. I gave up screaming for help but it appeared my prayer was heard. I was able to move and I became active.

Quickly, I approached everyone telling them to hide and never come out until the light appear. Any way to find us by this creäture, we were dead. I don’t want these demonic creäture gave a chance to find us. Definitely, these thing will leave us without life. Probably, he will drink our blood and ate out heart or even all our flesh.

Instead of doing what I had said, my friend graded his camera. ‘What the hell are doing guys?’ I shouted them. ‘One moment. I’ll take a photo!’ he said. Others respond. Yes! Let’s post it on Facebook.

It was just a dream, a nightmare. I felt I am exhausted after all. I was very tired. I felt liked I had run hundred miles back and forth. Even my body temperature became abnormal. I thought winter was gone and summer approached already. It was hot. All over my body had heated. I took some minutes before I felt the right room temperature. This nightmare that really rock my night suddenly turned into a variety of comedy. I never imagined the effect of Facebook to me that even in my dream ruin it. HUH! I promise to spend little time on Facebook or even surfing the net from now on. What a dream, I just found myself smiling. And what made me laugh so hard was when I moved my body to switch on my lamp shade, I fell on the floor. (Aw!)

When I fixed myself I remembered, today is my birthday. I have something to celebrate and I don’t want this nightmare ruin my day. Besides I have found the reason why I had this nightmare. It was my unexpressed fear with the dog I tried to get some photos last weekend. The dog barked me and almost bitten me. Thanks God, the dog didn’t bite me…

I have something more to thanks to God and first of those, the life I am enjoying now. Even I had tried so hard to surpass my pains, hatred, anxieties, and fears in the past years since I can’t find forgiveness in my wrong deeds or decisions, I must thank God. Second, I have found and have known myself after all trials and errors I have done in my life. And now I come up with a plan. It’s about the time to rebuild myself and to pursue my dreams. This year will be all about building the foundation of my success and lastly live in the meaningful life.

I have made rules for myself and these are my standing point now. I have promised whenever I fall, I’ll look back here. It’s something I’ll always counting on. And I am happy to share these rules to you though I don’t recommend this.

First rule: Knowing yourself.
Second rule: Rebuild yourself.
Third rule: Live in the success.

Lastly; even it looks awkward if I greet myself, I’ll do it. I still believe if no one appreciate you the best thing to do, appreciate yourself… It is basic. But not all the time…

Beware of Dog!

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Old Photograhp

I am not a pro in photography. This is only a try. It just happened, I am bored of watching people come and go. So I decided to take these photos though I’m not certain for these. But I am sure, Every photos tell stories.

Under the Sun on Winter 

Game of the History

People came and go.

Youth on Winter


Pain and Hatred, OVER COME!

This is my story though it never ends here.

Hall way in Santuario di S. Matteo Apostolo

I hate this! Can’t bear so much pain anymore. Why just can’t take this life…? No one can help me but myself. Perhaps, it is true. At the end of the day I am responsible for my life, no matter what. This is something I believe, not because I am a self-centered human being. I realize this every time I go back to my bed. Brushing your teeth, changing your clothes, taking a bath and a lot more. Just like a vampire doing his own ritual before he lay down into his burial-vault. You do your own ritual alone but there is an exception. Somebody will do those things for you if you are still a little kid and if you are an old man without power to move. But people will do those things for price. No one will do something for you without exchange because everything in this life has a price to pay of. Even your family, they always get something from you or you from them. I hate this but this is part of our humanity. Just a matter of give and take. They use you and you use them.

I found myself looking in nowhere trying to figure out what kind of life I would take for the rest of my life. It wasn’t suppose like this. I wasn’t suppose! In the course of my life, I often made things complicated. It was my fault but I didn’t regret since I did things as I thought it was right. That was my problem. I frequently misjudged my situation. This was the reason why things were always getting tough for me.

I looked for the God’s providence but I only got confusion. I couldn’t help but cry in my misfortune. What would I do? I was no longer happy. I did all my part. I experienced many things, things in different aspect of life. I didn’t know where to stop and when to stop. I faced the unknown world.

When I was young, my life was simple, I had nothing to worry about. I did anything but things made me happy. I did many things happily. As I getting old, many things change. I realized that life is really complicated as you grow old but there is a consolation, you find the true meaning of life. Life, that we didn’t actually own.

I was hopeless. I was filled by hatred and this was no good. To role by unbearable hatred is much more alarming and annoying than the wild-fire in the forest. It will cause so much pain and probably everything in life will at risk, spiritual health, bodily health and social health.

I found myself with risk in my health and even my spiritual life had preoccupied this hatred. It was a chaos. I knew I should be a shame so much for this. I thought I had surpassed this pain but it always come back specially in situation like this. I didn’t wish to die here.

The only solution for this is to get out of this world..! I mean I wanna go out of this place… Surpass this pain and surpass this hatred. Go somewhere else and make a life. A new life….But not to run away the situation I had. It happens that this is only the solution. I wanna change this curse! I’ll never give up til I get the healing I need.

Changes is essential at this point. This is my choice. I take this with consideration.
I know I will be facing another challenges but at least I decide to change not for worst but rather for better life.

Understanding is complicated?!

Seemingly good proposal…
but it appears like a trap…
What are you up to?
I am trying to be at home
but you look at me as an enemy..,
You want to prove something about us…
You think you’re just but you’re no good at all..
Cruel..
You really pushing me away in this community…
It’s not my fault if I leave, I did my part…
Of course, I should not blame any one of us…
Perhaps, It is the God’s will…
We learn from each others…
You prove something else,
Then I also prove something else.
I can’t even blame why they leave you.
Thanks God, the others didn’t live with you.
They didn’t see what I saw.
Experience what I experience here.
I afraid you don’t know this,
And you misunderstand all…
Well, you won’t understand this,
unless you open your mind.
But understanding doesn’t make sense,
since you don’t experience it
And you’re not one of us.
If you doesn’t share with someone’s pain,
You can never understand them.
Then if you become one with us,
It’s up to you if you accept.
Understanding doesn’t meant you accept things
you just understand.

A short reflection

A short reflection on Gospel of Mark
The Gospel of Mark was divided into five parts;
I Prelude to the Public Ministry of Jesus
II The Galilean Ministry
III Journeys outside Galilee
IV The Jerusalem Ministry
V Passion and Resurrection

The paradox is that Jesus is acknowledged as Son of God by the Father and by evil spirits, and yet he is rejected by the leaders of the Jews and is even misunderstood by his own disciples. The Gospel has been called passion narrative telling how Jesus die on the cross. In this Gospel shows that the rejection was an essential part of God’s plan, foretold in the Scriptures, and crowned by Jesus’ awesome resurrection.

God loves us so much that he gave his only Son Jesus Christ to save us. Jesus Christ is our savior. ‘We are save but not yet’. We are saved because Jesus died on the cross. Jesus suffered already to save us but not yet saved because we haven’t accept our salvation. For us to be saved, we must first accept Christ in our hearts and then follow his commands.

In the beginning of gospel of Mark tells about the invitation for conversion, Mk 1: 3 A voice of one that cries in the desert: Prepare a way for the Lord make his paths straight. St. John the Baptist did his role as one who called by God to prepare the way of Christ. And yet it was not accepted by the Jews’ leaders. This event is still happening at this moment. Bishops, priests, nuns, religious brothers, catechist and etc..etc, are like St. John the Baptist. They preach for conversion and repentance yet we reject it. It looks like it became a cycle of history, though we haven’t crucified Jesus again. What was happened before was happening again. All written in this gospel is happening in the present time. We all are not aware of it. The scenes may be different form but it is the same. Same in the sense that we reject Christ in our heart. Once we accept Christ truly and do his commands, we are save. But there is always a challenge for us, the challenge not to sin again… Jesus knows that we are weak and easy to fall that’s why he create the sacrament of confession.

And this gospel also tells that in every moment of our life, the only way to be saved is to follow the way of cross which Christ teaches us. Suffering, pain, rejections and alike is essential to gain glorification.

For example; When we study at the school, we come up with so much hard exams. For us to pass the exam we must study hard. After the exams, we had the results. If you study hard, you will get what is due for you.
It is the same in our faith. We can receive what is due for our faith.

The best example of this is the story in this gospel. Christ was crucified and die, on the third day he rose again. Amen.

Che sara! That is! Song by Jose Feliciano

My country that on the hills is,
spread out like an old sleeping
Boredom, abandonment, nothingness,
I am your disease.
I leave my country I’m leaving.
That is, that is, that is,
that is my life, who knows!
Che sara, Che sara, che sara,

So far everything or may be
nothing tomorrow we will see,
And will experience that.
My friends are almost all gone,
It’s a sin, because I was fine with them.
But it all passes, it all goes away.
That is, that is, that is,
that is my life, who knows!
Che sara, Che sara, che sara,

I carry my guitar with me,
and if the night weep
a country lullaby sound.
My love I kiss you on the lips.
What was the source of my first love?
Did I make an appointment
like when I do not know,
But I only know that I return.
That is, that is, that is,
that is my life, who knows!
Che sara, Che sara, che sara,

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